i never love myself at all

I had not been blogging in cmstory.blogspot.com since 27 aug 2009, the month of sept is a sweet month for me, because i began to trust her again, meet her a couple of times in the month of sept...so easily i began to trust her again,she just need to mention something, i will take note of it....just like a memo pad.

im very sad, once again i lost trust in her....now even as a friend....but i told myself it is part of life, after what happened with felicia during april to may period....that was the first time i cried this year, cause i was really very heart broken....again history repeat again....im at fault by treating ppl nice, what sandra and xiaoqing said is the truth about me.

xiao qing mentioned that i always fall but fall half way only.....im too persistant and strong will, my stubborness lead the half way fall me,this 2009 is really a bad year for me, i had not been happy in love life,$$$ and work too....so fast ,nov and dec coming....im human, i also like surprises and happiness...but i knew i will not get ...i always need to learn from my own lessons, but seem like im not learning.....ppl really take my kindness for granted.

At work, im now hanging and choosing if im going to sign for life or cross over to the casino line, im still considering, in love, it is like forever bad luck since 2003, $$$ now im in a crisis, im in debt myself after helping ppl so much, now i dunno how to help myself...since starting from jan till now, i asked myself, have i ever dote myself or buy anything i like for myself, the answer is NO.I keep buying things for ppl i like, alone felicia, i had spent a big hole, what i got in the end? not even a friendship left...now miss A .....well i never blame on them....it is myself who wanted to dote on the ppl i like.

My thai friend that born on 17 oct, Ana told me, she said i never love myself at all, she said have to love myself and dote myself first then love other...i guess what she said is right....i never love myself at all.....i always think for the person i like and love first....willingly to do unconditional things for them....but i never know that kindness will not be paid.

I really hate liar.....it make my heart so weak....maybe these life experience made myself grown up, emotionally i had to strengthen myself by all this unwanted hurt, maybe i had to thank these persons that appeared in my life....they made me realise that life is really not an easy road....as xiao qing had told me, althought she is younger than me, but the things she seen in life and play before is surely more than me...

so what you are romantic and can plan the most surprises date or birthday to the person you like or love? the most important thing is, love are you the one to the person?

april, bangkok chao praya river cruise that i had plan for felicia, that 2 hour candlelight dinner cruise is so romantic, but to her is just a normal cruise plus motion sick.

the never happened, birthday celebration that plan to give the 27 present at 3 different location also never happened....the art piece that i had made feel so wasted..

i feel like crying, i feel so tired in my heart....now i really believe what the shifu told me about, the lady that told me before, be careful of woman and $....and serangoon shifu also told me the same thing this year may....careful of $ and the woman that is going to appear in my life.....now i strongly believe them.

Sometimes i really feel so alone......i need a holiday....i may leave singapore and settle down somewhere for a period of time....now i had made my choice, i will leave my current job for sure, even thought the pay is so stable that i dun need to worry about anything...but i just want my freedom.....i want to get out of the "square box" that felicia once told me, the only way is set myself free from current job.

All i wanted in my life is happiness, not $, $ to me is not important at all, if i can use $ to see a person heart, it is so worth it....$ made people look so ugly sometimes....

坦白的坏人，还是放手的好人?



17 sept when i was on my way to mustafa center to buy her birthday presents.....i saw her, but i was really surprise to see her with the thai guy that she introduced me at the thai pub....i hear her calling him darling from far....suddenly i feel so depressed....i walked over and tap her shoulder and asked her, why she never got to malaysia? she had told me she went to malaysia with her aunties for a couple of days.....but i saw her there....when she told me she not going anymore and the thai guy is going back soon.....i just smile and turn back and walked away.....while i was walking away....i dunno why i feel sad.....sad cause why must she lie to me?

2 oct , she lie again, she told me her auntie is giving her a surprise, she brought her air tickets to bali and chiangmai for her coming birthday......she did not have enough $, again i lend her some.....after that i found out that she actuaally went to thailand and spend 3 weeks there with the thai bf.i knew she just treat me as a friend, but why must you lie to a friend? she can tell her other friends and family members she going to thailand to meet her thai bf.....why cant she tell me the truth and wanted to lie to me? she made me feel that she is using me.....im so sad.....she let me down once by cheating me and using me before...i trusted her again....but now again, she let me down.....she make me feel that only when i lend her $ then im a friend to her.

She knew i treat her very good, i knew love cant force.....but why must she lie? i told her before, i can accept anything about her, even that she went girls home, went prison, abortion before.....i like her now and her future but not the past...i dun mind.....i knew i cant give her whatever she wants.....when i know her costmetic used up....i offer to buy her new one.....when she no $ do hair....i treat her.....when she wanted new clothes online....i one time buy her 7 piece from whatladieswants.com .... when she is sick, i bring her see doctors a few times, when she say she hungry, i brought porridge for her or order online fast foods for her....when she told me she not using her mum hp anymore....i got her a hi card and top up 128 for her with my hp. i knew all i did is on my own will, she never forced me to do it.

She told me before, she have her choices, there are so many guys around.....she cant promise me that she will be with me in future.....i knew that....i understand.....even be friend, why must there be a lie? the 27 present i prepare all really got meaning.....i gave her 9 of them first before she left for thailand.

i felt so hurt when i knew she actually bluffed me and told me that her auntie wana give her surprise....and brought the tickets for her....but she actually had planned before hand the trip.....she just need to say she is stress and i knew what she stress about....it is all about $....she jus need to hint something....i will fall into her "trick" and offer to help her....i wonder did she wonder that how much i had help her?


she once told me when she was drunk, she had a thai bf but nothing, she likes me a little....she asked me to give her sometimes....she knew i treat her good....now i believe what she said when drunk.....but i knew she never really like me before.


she will never understand the hurt i had....cause all i wanted is to let her be happy...if she can be happy with the thai guy....i wish her the best.....but all i can say, she made me lost the trust in her again even as a friend.....i wonder what am i to her at the 1st place? a friend or someone she playing as a toy? i feel so sad as i wrote this, i maybe jealous of the thai guy...but if i know she happy....i should be happy for her.

All my care and concern are just secondary and not primary....the birthday celebration i planned for her shattered....when i knew she will be away for 3 weeeks....the leave i took are wasted.....when i told her this...she told me maybe i was not fated to celebrate with her....this hurt me......she asked me to wait for her to come back.....i say i will...

when i was browsing my email and saw someone email me a website to let me see who blocked me in MSN....i was shocked that she was actually one of them that had blocked me in MSN.....i was so crestfallen to see that.....i asked myself again, what am i to this person? im not even a friend at all.


Everytime before i went to sleep, i was so looking forward for her sms, there were a few times, when i think of her, at that moment, she would sms me goodnite.....when my hp beep! beep! everytime, i was hopping the sms sent would be her....im so easily please by her....when she send me sms, im so happy....it actually brighten my tiring day at work....

你是好人 也是個壞人
對我坦誠，只爲了朝他狂奔

.............

我知道，在你的眼里，我只是一个"朋友"，但你知道我的痛吗?

容忍的人其实拼不笨，只是宁愿对自己残忍，既然爱不愉温，祝福就给你下一个人，

你是好人，也是个坏人
對我坦誠，只爲了朝他狂奔

不能放任，所以放了
这点痛我还能忍

宁愿爱 一点不剩
也不忍 看恋人变成路人

ultimate most romantic birthday celebration plan by jerson yeo

I had plan to give that someone i like and wanted to love 27 different birthday present on her coming 27th birthday present.It will be the most romantic, surprise and happy birthday in her life.

I will wrap the 27 present myself on the same kind of birthday wrapping paper.....i will label each and every one of them from 1 to 27......number 10,18, and 27 will be the special birthday present she will be recieving.Each and every birthday present will have a special little note in it,tell her why i give her this present.

i will placed the 27 present into my car boot....and i will design that small area with "happy birthday angeline" on it......first i will pick her up at 10am.....when she reach my car, i will show her a birthday cake, light up a candle and sing her happy birthday song......give her pink roses.Then i will bring her to somewhere, our 1st location to have brunch.....then i will show her the car boot and asked her to pick 9 out of 27 present from there....then we will open the present at the place we going to eat....

after noon, we will go ktv, i will sing her some nice songs, again will pick 9 out of the 18 present from there and open in the ktv room.

At night, we will go singapore flyer and have dinner there......will bring the remaining 6 present out of 9 to singapore flyer...inside there, she will open the presents there.

then remaining 3 of them, label 10,18 and 27 , i will asked her to open inside my car before we go back.......the number 27 is a scrap book make by myself as follow...

page 1 - i got a story to tell
page 2 - this july i got to know a girl.
page 3 - the most beautiful girls are not these girls, (picture of jolin and miss universe)
page 4 - but is the person that is in this coming picture
page 5 - mirror (reflect her)
page 6 - i/m just telling a joke laah, hahahahaha!
page 7 - I actually wana tell something.......
page 8 - i had known a cute,sweet,kind girl
page 9 - now i had slowly fall for her and i love her.
page 10 - angeline, would you be jerson yeo's gf?

2 years old - loverutheone

2 years old - loverutheone
hi peeps, loverutheone.blogspot.com wishes all happy valentine day, spend this precious day with your love ones.

Love is a feeling, a way to express out your innermost care.

Love is a joy for two, to be together no matter sadness or happiness.

Love is a must for spiritual growth.Love makes you real; otherwise you remain just a fantasy, a dream with no substance in it..

Love gives you substance,integrity.Don/t avoid love.go through it,with all its pain.yes its hurts..but if you are in love it does not matter.in fact,all those hurts strengthen you.sometimes it really hurts badly,terribly, but all those wound are necessary to provoke, to challenge you.

Love is not a passion,Love is not an emotion,Love is a very deep understanding that somebody somehow completes you.

The presence of the other enchances your presencethe feeling is strong, just that pure presence, nothing else, is enough to make you happy...you are in love.

Sex is not love,sex is just a exercise between two body,so never think sex as love,otherwise you will be deceived.

The feeling of being love...the care, the way of being possess by someone, the hug, the kiss by someone you love is totally undescriable.....it can only be feel.......where is the love?

The new Enviroment - colorado - part 10

Juliana moved to America and started her new life with Victor, she miss her family very much and also fabian.She cried almost every night, she had to hide her tears every night before she goes to bed.

Juliana's routine life in colorado is kind of boring, she would cook breakfast and dinner for victor, and wait for him to come home everyday.Her only entertainment the internet and tv....throught internet she made a few filipino friends around her neighbourhood, sometimes she would go out with her friends.

Juliana wanted to study, she had asked victor to help her to enroll in a local college, but victor keep telling her to wait.Juliana could only wait wait wait....the most happiest thing she could do everyday is using the internet yahoo messenger chatting with her best friends, catherine and wendy and also sometimes she would meet fabian online...but she put blocked fabian from seeing her.They had not chat with each other for 6 months...neither did fabian ever send her a message online or even a offline message.

The date of departure - Juliana's flight PQ211 - part 9

Victor had settled everything for Juliana,he brought a new house for Juliana's family, and gave a sum of $$$ to Juliana parents as part of their wedding.The day before Juliana leave for America,she is still confused by her action, she asked herself,did she make the right choice to accept Victor? the big age gap between them, 30 years, is there going to be love? Juliana cried, she will miss her family, her friends here.She is going to a country that totally different from her culture here.A new enviroment is waiting her to discover, and the chance for her to her dream, the first step to it. Juliana told herself, she wanted to work hard and earn alot of $, she wana upgrade herself in everything. Before Juliana went to the airport, she use her cell phone and sent Fabian a last sms. she wrote, " good bye, take care always, all the best."

The goodbye to philippines- part 8

2 weeks after that phone call to Victor, he came back again to surigao and meet Juliana.He was excited about his future young beautiful wife going to be.Victor promised juliana, he would help her family and support her family in financial.

Juliana packed her luggages and left Luzon without a word,she does not want Fabian to know that she actually going to marry to Victor.She told no one except her 2 best friend, Wendy and Catherine.

Wendy and Catherine did not really support her idea of marrying to Victor, but as their best friend, she had to give their the support.

The night before Juliana left for America, she went to the beach 2 miles away from her house. That usual hang out place for her and Fabian, the place where she agreed to be Fabian's girlfriend 2 years ago.

Juliana sat by the coconut tree and cry after looking at the engraving of
" Fabian love Juliana forever "

that words that both engraved together on that coconut tree bark.

She cry asked herself,

" why? why? did this love faded between me and Fabian? "

Juliana took a small stone and engraved a few words on that same coconut tree again....

she wrote,
" Mingaw ko nimu(which means i miss u in cebuano), Fabian, goodbye 23 11 2007 "